


The Way It Was

by pascalispunk



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Hate Sex, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love/Hate, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24724660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pascalispunk/pseuds/pascalispunk
Summary: Falling for Javier Peña wasn’t your best idea, but you couldn’t help it.
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Kudos: 7





	The Way It Was

**Author's Note:**

> this is mostly just angst, i’m warning yall now, however there will be soft fluff and also maybe heavy hardcore filth at points. oops.

Part of you hated yourself for falling for someone you knew wouldn’t reciprocate those same feelings towards you. Part of you hated yourself for always going back to him and giving him exactly what he wants.

Part of you especially hated the hold he had over you. How he could just so much as glance as you and you would be ready at his beck and call for anything he wanted. How his lips just fit and melded against yours like you were made for each other. How his hands held onto your hips and kept you close to him like he never wanted to let go.

But worst of all, you hated that he hasn’t called you back or even looked at you when you passed him in the hallway at the embassy, after you told him that you loved him a week ago.

You should’ve listened to Steve when he said the man was not into commitment. But you were too blindsided by Javi and the way he smiled at you when he lit up a cigarette after you spent the night with him. You convinced yourself he would tell you he loved you too and you could live with him and start a life with him.

But when you said those three words, those three simple fucking words, he didn’t say a word. He just stubbed out his cigarette, pulled on his shirt and trousers, followed by his shoes and exited your apartment. The silence in your room was deafening, the loud slam of your door still echoing through your head. It dizzied you to the point where you just cried—cried over Javi and his stupid fear of commitment, cried over the way his lips felt against your neck and how you longed to have him back in your arms. Eventually the crying became too much and you just fell asleep, exhausted from the night’s actions and Javi’s behaviour.

It had now been a week since you last spoke to Javi—which you now realised your last words to him were “I love you”. He hasn’t uttered a single word to you since then, not even a side glance at you when you walked past him. You so badly wanted to just scream at him—ask him why he’s being so cold with you, ask him why he won’t say “I love you, and especially ask him why he won’t even look at you, like he’s completely disregarding your feelings and pushing you aside like the prostitutes he used to fuck before you came along.

Now thinking about it, you and Javi were never exclusive—he made that point very clear. But, he hasn’t had sex with anyone else while you two were having sex together. If he was so afraid of commitment like Steve said, why is he so committed to being with you and only you?

You two fucked and that’s it, no feelings attached—save for the ones you had towards him but he didn’t need to know that. Almost always, he stayed the night, but by the time you both got any sleep it was the early hours of the morning. He was easy to you, easy to be around, easy to look at, easy to talk to—easy to fucking fall in love with.

You had had enough of his bullshit now, pushing your seat back harshly, the sound of metal scraping along the ground loudly, filling the hallway. You stormed out of your office, down the hallway towards Javi and Steve. Both men looked up at you as you walked in, both as surprised as each other to see you.

It was the first time Javi had actually looked at you since the incident between you and him. His soft honey coloured eyes making you speechless. His eyes wouldn’t leave yours, but his eyebrow raised up, prompting you to give them the reason why you so swiftly came to their office.

But no words came out. In your head you had this big plan, you were going to march straight to Javi’s office, ask him why he’s being an asshole and demand an apology.

Well, one out of three isn’t bad.

"Yes?” Steve spoke first. Of course he did, you didn’t expect Javi to even speak to you after what happened. You slightly shook your head, trying to regain any ounce of confidence you had left in you. You marched over to Javi, placed both hands on his desk and looked into his eyes.

“What the fuck is your problem? You like breaking people’s hearts? You like leaving people after they ay "I love you”? Steve told me you weren’t one for commitment but that was an understatement.“ Javi just looked at you with the blankest expression on his face. He really didn’t give a single fuck about you or your feelings. But somehow you still fucking loved him.

"I don’t want to talk about this here—”

“Well it’s now or never Javi—”

“Then I choose never.”

“Fuck you, Javi. Fuck you.”

He didn’t say anything, just went back to doing his work. Steve glared at him from across the room, before looking up at you and giving you a soft smile, sympathising with you almost. You could feel tears prickling your eyes and you had to leave before you had a full on breakdown in front of him.

You swore you had never hated anyone more than Javier Peña. You also swore you never wanted to kiss someone as badly as you want to kiss Javier Peña. How someone who’s that much of an asshole to you can still make your heart swell up and your stomach fill with butterflies, is absolutely beyond you. But Javier Peña can and he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care and he never fucking will.

You kept telling yourself that, over and over. Every time Javi and Steve walked past your office, you hoped he would glance in, but he never did. Steve occasionally did, flashing you a small smile.

At least you knew Steve would tell you he loved you.

It had now been two weeks (and 3 days, not that you’re counting) since Javi stormed out of your apartment. You were at home, curled up on the couch watching television. Somehow, you believed that Javi would knock on your door, you’d let him in and have a conversation with him. He might not say he loves you but he’d explain his absence from your life.

The minutes turned into hours and you felt yourself drift off to sleep, the programme on television only acting as background noise. After a few hours, you slowly awoke, the dimly light room feeling as bright as the sun to you. You turned off the television and headed to bed, feeling a lot more comfier under your duvet and against your pillows than the scratchy blanket and the arm of your couch.

You thought about Javi in this moment. Was he mulling this over as much as you were? Was he thinking of how to talk to you without hurting your feelings any more than he already has?

Then you realised this was Javi and he was probably fucking some random prostitute to get his mind off of you. Probably fucking her better than he ever fucked you, just to prove a point to himself and fuel his ego through the roof. He was an asshole and how you let yourself get as close as you did to him was hurting you so much.

Here goes another night of you crying yourself to sleep.

You turned up an hour late for work, your late night making you wake up later than usual. Thankfully you snuck in unnoticed to your office, the receptionist just nodding at you and you thanked the gods that she was a good friend of yours.

You sat down at your desk and noticed a small piece of paper folded on top of your notebook. You picked it up and unfolded it, hoping it was just a note from your boss telling you to not be late again. However, your heart sank when you read the three words on the note.

_Can we talk? - J_

You couldn’t stand up fast enough, practically running to his and Steve’s office. But to your disappointment, he wasn’t there. Your shoulders dropped as Steve turned to look at you.

“If you’re looking for Javi, he just left. Didn’t know when you were coming in today and he gave it like half an hour before he just left. He should be back soon.” You just nodded, slowly walking back to your office and slumping back down in your seat. There was no way you could get any work done until Javi got back. Your mind was racing at a million miles per hour.

What the hell did he want to talk about now that he couldn’t two weeks ago?

Around an hour later, Javi walked past your office but stopped when he looked in and saw you. You glanced up at him and he nodded at you. He shifted slightly, waiting for you to let him in. You weren’t sure where the conversation was going to go and didn’t know if an argument with Javi in your office really was the best place to do it.

“You want to talk?”

He nodded.

“Come by my apartment later on tonight, around 7?”

He nodded, before tapping your doorframe twice and heading back to his own office. You sighed, knowing your apartment was a lot safer and at least if Javi stormed out again, you could be warmed up and comforted in your own bed.

The day seemed to drag on and Javi didn’t go past your office at all until he left at the end of the day to go home. You were packing up some of your things and he stopped outside your door for a second but before you could look at him, he was gone again. You had hoped that maybe he’d offer to give you a lift home but he probably thought it wasn’t right considering the situation.

Once you got home, you immediately got undressed into your loungewear, which consisted of an old t-shirt and some cotton shorts. The weather in Colombia was hot and most nights you had to sleep with barely anything on, which is why you missed the nights spent with Javi the most. You wore nothing to bed when you were with him, the room too hot to even wear anything. He wore practically nothing, save for a pair of underwear. Some nights he just lay beside you but the other nights he would lay on his side, holding you close against his chest and those were the nights you ached for the most. Just to have him close to you and touching you and holding you, it really felt like he was yours to have and to hold forever.

The loud knock at your door startled you from your position on the couch. You glanced at the clock on the wall.

7pm.

He was here.

You walked over to your door and opened it. He looked you up and down once you had opened the door, before stepping past you into your apartment. He knew the place all too well, shucking off his jacket and throwing it over your armchair before going to sit on your couch. You closed the door and went to sit on the couch beside him.

“Look, I didn’t come here for an argument so please, don’t start one.”

“Why are you assuming I’ll start it?”

“Because you’re the one pissed at me.”

That was true. But then again, he was the one who stormed out of your apartment in anger so who’s really to blame here.

“Anyway, look.. I just.. I don’t know why this is so hard for me—”

“For you? Javi I’ve cried myself to sleep every night for the past two weeks because of what you did! I’ve felt so sick to my stomach at the thought of even looking at you at work, that sometimes I didn’t even want to come in—”

“Look, I know I messed up. I know that. Just listen to me, okay?”

You sighed and nodded, knowing that for whatever excuse he has as to why he’s being so cold with you will end at some point and you can finally speak your truth.

“I didn’t say I love you because I was afraid of saying it. I didn’t say it because I don’t want you getting hurt. Every time I feel close to loving someone, they almost always get hurt. That’s the last thing I want for you. Because I do care about you, you know I fucking do. It’s just easier to shut off my feelings and leave than let the person get hurt.”

You wiped back your tears but felt the blood boil in your chest. He’s still disregarding your feelings and acting like some protector not realising he’s doing the exact opposite to you.

“Storming out of my apartment at 2am after I told you I loved you? That hurts Javi. You may say that you don’t want me getting hurt, without you even realising you did it anyway.”

Javi sat back against your couch, dragging his hands down his face and sighing. He knew he was hurting you but he doesn’t know what to do with love. Especially with you, the one person in the world he cares about the most.

“I’m sorry. I really am, I just.. I’ve been in love before, I was even about to get married. But, I just.. left. Left her, left that life and now I do whatever it is the hell I do down here, you know, relationship wise.

Instinctively, you reached out and took his hand in yours, lacing your fingers with his. He brought your hand up to his lips and kissed the back of your hand softly. You tried not to melt under him but he was just pulling you right back to your first night together—and for some reason, you didn’t hate that.

"Javi..” You trailed off, not really knowing what to say now. He just looked at you, his warm brown eyes drawing you in, showing you he’s completely intent on listening to what you have to say. This is the Javi you know, the one who would listen to your problems at 3am even though he wanted to sleep. The one who would hold you through a thunderstorm and tell you it’s all okay. The one who would laugh at you when you burnt all the food but walk into the kitchen and help you clean it up. The one who looked at you at 2am after spending the night together, with those same warm brown brown eyes, a soft smile on his face and his thumb caressing your soft cheek.

“Javi, I don’t think I can love you anymore..”

He didn’t say anything, not even sure of what to say anyway. But you’re not even sure you believe what you just said. You still love him, he makes your heart shatter to a million pieces but if he asked you to run away with him and start a new life somewhere, you’d instantly say yes. You just want to fling your arms around his neck and kiss him for the rest of your life.

“I understand.”

“Javi, no you don’t. You’re just saying that to end the conversation and move on.”

“Don’t you want to move on?”

“No.”

He sighed, realising he wasn’t going to get anywhere with the conversation knowing you still loved him. He hated himself for letting you in and get too close.

“I don’t know how to go on anymore, Javi. You’re all I think about. I keep thinking about all the nights we spent together, the way you lit up a cigarette after us having sex then shifting yourself to lay your head against me. The thought of you wanting to be close to me makes my heart ache. Those nights we spent just talking about nothing, laughing over nothing and eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms. The way your face beamed every time you came over here. You can’t just sit there and tell me you don’t love me, Javi. Because how many prostitutes did you fuck when you were spending all that time with me. For a man who doesn’t want to tie himself down to one woman, you were pretty committed to me.”

A small tear rolled down your face and Javi’s thumb came to wipe it away, making you gasp softly from the contact. It was the first real touch from him in so long and you wished it had lasted longer. It almost burned your skin despite his touch being as soft and gentle as his eyes which were still looking deep into your own.

“There was nobody else but you. It was always you, from the first time I saw you walking into the office. I just knew I had to kiss you, to know what you tasted like, to know what you liked and to know what it felt like to be in love again.”

To be what? Javi loved you this whole time but refused to tell you?

“Then why did you leave me, Javi? Why did you leave without saying a single thing? No explanation, even after me saying your name constantly as you walked out on me. You didn’t say anything to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s not good enough anymore, Javi. It’s never fucking good enough anymore. You broke my heart but somehow, oh god somehow, you put it back together again. You put it back together again and let it swell up with love whenever I saw you.”

Javi’s hand now moved to the side of your jaw, delicately rubbing your chin with his thumb. He wants to kiss you, you can tell. But you won’t let him, you can’t let him in again. Not now, he doesn’t deserve you now. But he’s looking at you with those eyes and you just want to give in, you want to give him your heart to break over and over again, because with Javi, you don’t care. He could ruin your life forever and you would still be grateful for everything.

Javi pulled you towards him, resting your forehead against his. He closed his eyes, relishing in the contact between you two.

“What do I have to do to make it up to you?”

“You should know what to do, I don’t want you doing what I want you to do. I can’t make your decisions for you. Just, do the right thing.”

He pulled away and looked into your eyes, before flashing you a small smile. He just nodded and let go of your face. You blinked back a tear as he stood up, realising this was all for nothing.

“It might take me some time to tell you want you want to hear. But right now, we can just go back to having fun, right?”

You sighed, standing up, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt material in your hands. He wrapped his arms around you and just held you in his embrace, something you longed for for so long.

“I honestly have no idea why you chose me, out of everyone. Why me?”

“Because you look at me like nothing else matters. Like I’m important, not just to you, but at work too. You believe in me, Javi.”

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s a real disappointment that nobody else believes your potential.”

You slumped your head against Javi’s chest, smiling like an idiot. You felt him laugh, the rumble in his chest like music to your ears. Hearing him say he believes in you is way more important to you than a confession of love.

“Do you have to go? Can you stay?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Let’s start over. For old times sake.”

“You better not tell me you love me..”

“Love you? I barely know you yet..”

This time he smiled. He really smiled and you felt your heart beat twice as fast as before. Javi had such a hold over you that you never wanted to break. He was everything to you and you knew he felt the same about you. Being with Javi felt like a dream, you had never had anyone care about you or worry about you as much as he did. He made you dizzy with love and anger, but you loved it all the same.

The pair of you sat back on the couch, your back resting against Javi’s side, his arm draped over you, holding your hand. It was a moment of pure bliss and you’re sure nothing could ever break it. You wish you could take a snapshot of this moment and savour it forever.

You’re not sure what the future holds for you and Javi after your reconciliation but you hope to god it turns out good. You don’t want to hate him again, but then again, did you ever really hate him? Or did you just hate yourself for how you still loved him despite how he acted.

You flushed the bad thoughts away as you got comfier beside Javi but he quickly sat you up.

“You still got some of my spare clothes here? These jeans aren’t the best for lying down in..”

“In my wardrobe, yeah.”

He nodded and headed towards your bedroom. It all somewhat felt domestic almost—you and Javi sitting together in your apartment, having a wardrobe with his clothes in it. He returned a few moments later wearing a t-shirt and some soft cotton shorts. He smiled at you as he sat down, letting you adjust to your previous position.

“Better?”

“Much.”

He tilted your head so he could kiss you and your whole body was rippled with shockwaves. He kissed you so softly and gently but your whole body was on fire. He pulled away from the kiss and let you snuggle into his side.

Yeah, this was perfect.

Well, almost.


End file.
